Saturday, March 04, 2006

Terrible Day

I thought I was having a good day.
Went to work on the bus feeling fine. Didn't feel hot and sweaty like normal when travelling. Didn't look around much to see who was getting on and off the bus. Didn't check to see if people were acting suspicious or carrying a bag (well not as much as I used to) But that is a good thing I guess. I have to try and stop my safety behaviours my psychologist says. This means obsessive looking around and watching people. I feel I have to do this so I know when something is going to happen. My psychologist says it just makes you worse and I know now it does so I am trying to keep it under control.
I have to see him today. I have lots to tell him. I found out last night that someone from my work has been saying I am out of order for going to the Christmas party. Lets get something straight here. I went because I was asked if I would like to go by my HR department. I went to get a sense of normality in my life, to see friends that I hadn't seen sinse July 7th. I went at night into the west end. I hadn't been out at night in the west end sinse it happened. I just couldn't believe it when I heard. I am angry and upset that people think like this. Why judge if you don't know all the facts. It makes me sad to think people are so insensitive. But hey I know why I was off and why I went to the party so stuff them all.
We discuss this and alot of other things that are still creeping up into my head. Overall though I am coming on very well he says. I am so glad as I never thought I would be able to find me again. I know that sounds wierd. I have been a different person sinse July 7th. Not knowing whether I am coming or going.Feeling less of a person. But now I know my feelings are normal and I am not going crazy there is hope. I know I am becoming the person I used to be but I still have a long way to go and I know I will never be that same person I once was.
I have decided to get a tube home by MYSELF. I have to do this to get over my fears and I know this. What was I thinking.
I get on at Leicester Square. There are delays but silly me thinks "I can do this".
I get to sit down. Normally I would stand and hold on for life but I have to drop my safety behaviours so I sit. There is a young child with her mother sitting one seat away from me.I do think "why are you bringing your child on here if you know what happened". But obviously I am to paranoid.
My Journey is going well. Get to Russel Square and am proud I have come this far. We then pull out and into the tunnel again. Then we stop. I cannot believe it.It was going so well. Think of something positive Hamish. No don't think of the past think of the future. Still nothing no movement nothing from the train driver. I am starting to panic now and all of a sudden I just burst into tears. I cannot help it. They just start flowing. I wish someone would comfort me and say you will be fine but again I am on my own. No one understands what is going on in my head. I see a man looking at me. He gives me a reasuring look but I wish he would come over and say everything is going to be ok.I wonder if he knows why I am crying as we are in the tunnel but maybe he doesn't. The driver comes on over the speaker "Sorry I am trying to find out why we are being held here". what you don't even know. Great stuck down here again. I just keep crying and hate every minute of it. 5 minutes go by (yes 5 mins and it feels like a life time) and then we start to move. I am so glad I want to get off as quickly as possible but know it is not my stop. It is Kings Cross and I hate that station. I know what happened there on the 7th and want to move away from here as quickly as possible. So I stay on the train all the way to Finsbury Park. I am so glad to be off the train and cannot wait to see S so he can give me a big hug.
I walk as quickly as possible to get home. I cannot wait to be indoors safe and sound.
I am proud of myself though for not getting off the tube. That is a big step but I won't be doing it again for a long time.

8 Comments:

Blogger Holly Finch said...

You poor poor thing, that is so horrible. But you did it and it has made you stronger...you went on the tube on your own through Kings Cross, that is a huge huge step. I am so sorry it was so awful but well done for staying on, you will get back on again when you are ready, I know. You did it before and you'll do it again. Hope you have a lovely week end and are feeling justifiably proud of yourself.
Big hug & see you next week.
hxx

9:32 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

WELL DONE that was a brave thing to do.

*round of applause*

3:39 AM  
Blogger steve said...

I can imagine that was awful, but you stayed on! So be proud. I'm hoping to do my journey next week and expecting it to be horrible, I expect I might want to get off as soon as the doors close. Hopefully I will stay on.

Steve

4:45 AM  
Blogger mewmewmew said...

I am so sorry it was so awful but well done for staying on, you will get back on again when you are ready, I know. You did it before and you'll do it again. Hope you have a lovely week end and are feeling justifiably proud of yourself.
Big hug & see you next week.

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WELL DONE that was a brave thing to do.
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