Tuesday, February 28, 2006

My First Post

Gosh this is such a hard thing to do. Writing down how you feel. What emotions you have right now this very second. I must admit it has taken me nearly 8 months to write what exactly happened to me on the 7th July 2005. I cannot seem to get the right words in what I am trying to say.
For starters I have been told to write down how I am feeling by my psychologist and to write an account in my own words about what happened to me. But it is so hard. I feel I have writers block everytime I come to write what I want to say. It sounds very stupid even to me but hey I suppose I have to start somewhere.
I know I have to do it as part of my therapy and that once I do start writing I will not be able to stop.
I will start with the basics though.
Why am I on this blog site? I am on here to write my account of what happened to me on that awful day and also to write down my thoughts and feelings so I can get better.
I suppose I have just answered my question. I do want to get back to my normal self, be the person I used to be. Not being scared about going on public transport, going into the west end and fearing the worst. I couldn't even go to work as I feared the worst. I work in the heart of the west end and couldn't even do that. I was off for 6 months. Every time I went into work to update them on my progress I would have a panic attack. How sad is that. I am back now part time which is great for me as I do not want to travel in the rush hour.
As one of my close friends said to me " just take little steps" but I want to take a big step so I can get back to normal now.
Since seeing my psychologist I have come along way though. This will be my 9th session with him and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I never thought I would mind you. I was so depressed and angry all the time. Not wanting to step foot outside my door incase something BAD would happen to me. Always analysing situations always looking at other people to see if they were a threat. "A State of High alert" my psychologist told me. I can tell you that was hell. I was always tired and irritated couldn't sleep at night as I was always on guard and waiting for another bad thing to happen to me.
As you can read though I am saying "WAS". This is because I am not as bad as I used to be. I can get on a bus now without fearing the worst and even travel on the tube as long as someone is with me. I never thought I would do that. I never thought I would be able to do those things without fearing or having a panic attack.
Gosh this is starting to get easier. I didn't think it would even make sense but reading over what I have just written I am quite surprised with myself.