Today at the London Assembly

Well what a day I have had. I am shattered but glad that our views and opinions have finally been heard at last.
Today 6 of my fellow passengers were asked to give a testimonial about the events that happened on the 7th July together with others from the other bombed sites around London that terrible day. The day that has changed my life from being a happy go lucky person who was starting to enjoy her life to someone who now is looking over her shoulder everytime I do something just incase my luck changes again.
I wanted to go today for a number of reasons. I wanted to show my support for my fellow passengers but also to hear what others from the trains and bus experienced.
I was shocked and saddened to hear all of the testimonials and it brought back a lot of memories that I thought I was dealing with so well. I feel it has unearthed a huge part of my memory that I was trying to push away. I remember being stuck down there for such a long time and not knowing weather I was going to live or die or to see my family and friends again.
Being alive is so precious to me now. I never thought I would go through something like this (it always happens to others) but now having been part of something that has changed my life and the lives of so many others it makes me feel so many emotions all at once I just cannot comprehend.
To know that there are probably so many others out there with no help at the moment makes me feel sad as without the help and support from my boyfriend S, friends, family and not forgetting my fellow passengers from KCU I don't think, infact I know I wouldn't be where I am today. I have come on leaps and bounds over the past couple of months which I am grateful for but I know there are many people suffering in silence.
I am so proud of my fellow passengers today who were brave enough to sit infront of the media and tell the terrible story of what went on that day. I love you all and I am proud to be part of KCU. The bombers wanted a world where people hated each other but they have done the opposite. They have brought people together, made each and everyone of us stronger and we all will get through this and be stronger people in the end.

Thank you

I would just like to say a big Thank you to all my fellow passengers and fellow bloggers that have commented. I really appriciate it and writing my feelings down does help.
It has taken me a long time to write down what I feel but having the support is great.
Without my fellow passengers I wouldn't be where I am today. Meeting so many of you has just given me hope. We were all strangers but now we are good friends. The bombers wanted a world with fighting but they have just brought us even closer.
Thank you

A Joyful day

Yesterday we celebrated my mother in laws birthday. Well she isn't exactly yet but she is to me. S and I are not married but as good as. We have been together for nearly five years and have been through so much together. He has been my rock through the most toughest times in my life so far.
I will talk about that later but for now I need to write what is in my head.
Just to be around family is great. When I was on the tube on the 7th July I thought I was going to die and never see my family or friends again. But to be around them feels great. People have often said to me "you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family". I agree to a point but when you have been through something that you feel you might never see them again you appreciate them more. I love my family and freinds. I don't know what they would have done if I had died on that day. I often think what if?. I think alot of people have but that is one of the toughest things I have to deal with.
Being around family yesterday just reminded me how lucky I am to be alive, well and enjoy all the moments I spend with them. S brother's (two) have children. N has a boy and S has a girl. They are both 1 years old and just seeing them was a joy. I can now spend my life watching them grow into beautiful children and that is something I will cherish forever. I have nephews and nieces to. The thought of not seeing them again was tough. I know it is a thought but it doe's cross your mind. I have already lost a sister three years ago and when I was down in the tunnel I just thought "oh no not me too". That was tough and still is tough on my family but for me to go as well that would be a pain I would not want anyone to go through.
I am just glad to be alive and healthy. It will always be with me what if? That is the question I still ask myself but one I am glad I can answer.

Terrible Day

I thought I was having a good day.
Went to work on the bus feeling fine. Didn't feel hot and sweaty like normal when travelling. Didn't look around much to see who was getting on and off the bus. Didn't check to see if people were acting suspicious or carrying a bag (well not as much as I used to) But that is a good thing I guess. I have to try and stop my safety behaviours my psychologist says. This means obsessive looking around and watching people. I feel I have to do this so I know when something is going to happen. My psychologist says it just makes you worse and I know now it does so I am trying to keep it under control.
I have to see him today. I have lots to tell him. I found out last night that someone from my work has been saying I am out of order for going to the Christmas party. Lets get something straight here. I went because I was asked if I would like to go by my HR department. I went to get a sense of normality in my life, to see friends that I hadn't seen sinse July 7th. I went at night into the west end. I hadn't been out at night in the west end sinse it happened. I just couldn't believe it when I heard. I am angry and upset that people think like this. Why judge if you don't know all the facts. It makes me sad to think people are so insensitive. But hey I know why I was off and why I went to the party so stuff them all.
We discuss this and alot of other things that are still creeping up into my head. Overall though I am coming on very well he says. I am so glad as I never thought I would be able to find me again. I know that sounds wierd. I have been a different person sinse July 7th. Not knowing whether I am coming or going.Feeling less of a person. But now I know my feelings are normal and I am not going crazy there is hope. I know I am becoming the person I used to be but I still have a long way to go and I know I will never be that same person I once was.
I have decided to get a tube home by MYSELF. I have to do this to get over my fears and I know this. What was I thinking.
I get on at Leicester Square. There are delays but silly me thinks "I can do this".
I get to sit down. Normally I would stand and hold on for life but I have to drop my safety behaviours so I sit. There is a young child with her mother sitting one seat away from me.I do think "why are you bringing your child on here if you know what happened". But obviously I am to paranoid.
My Journey is going well. Get to Russel Square and am proud I have come this far. We then pull out and into the tunnel again. Then we stop. I cannot believe it.It was going so well. Think of something positive Hamish. No don't think of the past think of the future. Still nothing no movement nothing from the train driver. I am starting to panic now and all of a sudden I just burst into tears. I cannot help it. They just start flowing. I wish someone would comfort me and say you will be fine but again I am on my own. No one understands what is going on in my head. I see a man looking at me. He gives me a reasuring look but I wish he would come over and say everything is going to be ok.I wonder if he knows why I am crying as we are in the tunnel but maybe he doesn't. The driver comes on over the speaker "Sorry I am trying to find out why we are being held here". what you don't even know. Great stuck down here again. I just keep crying and hate every minute of it. 5 minutes go by (yes 5 mins and it feels like a life time) and then we start to move. I am so glad I want to get off as quickly as possible but know it is not my stop. It is Kings Cross and I hate that station. I know what happened there on the 7th and want to move away from here as quickly as possible. So I stay on the train all the way to Finsbury Park. I am so glad to be off the train and cannot wait to see S so he can give me a big hug.
I walk as quickly as possible to get home. I cannot wait to be indoors safe and sound.
I am proud of myself though for not getting off the tube. That is a big step but I won't be doing it again for a long time.

My First Post

Gosh this is such a hard thing to do. Writing down how you feel. What emotions you have right now this very second. I must admit it has taken me nearly 8 months to write what exactly happened to me on the 7th July 2005. I cannot seem to get the right words in what I am trying to say.
For starters I have been told to write down how I am feeling by my psychologist and to write an account in my own words about what happened to me. But it is so hard. I feel I have writers block everytime I come to write what I want to say. It sounds very stupid even to me but hey I suppose I have to start somewhere.
I know I have to do it as part of my therapy and that once I do start writing I will not be able to stop.
I will start with the basics though.
Why am I on this blog site? I am on here to write my account of what happened to me on that awful day and also to write down my thoughts and feelings so I can get better.
I suppose I have just answered my question. I do want to get back to my normal self, be the person I used to be. Not being scared about going on public transport, going into the west end and fearing the worst. I couldn't even go to work as I feared the worst. I work in the heart of the west end and couldn't even do that. I was off for 6 months. Every time I went into work to update them on my progress I would have a panic attack. How sad is that. I am back now part time which is great for me as I do not want to travel in the rush hour.
As one of my close friends said to me " just take little steps" but I want to take a big step so I can get back to normal now.
Since seeing my psychologist I have come along way though. This will be my 9th session with him and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I never thought I would mind you. I was so depressed and angry all the time. Not wanting to step foot outside my door incase something BAD would happen to me. Always analysing situations always looking at other people to see if they were a threat. "A State of High alert" my psychologist told me. I can tell you that was hell. I was always tired and irritated couldn't sleep at night as I was always on guard and waiting for another bad thing to happen to me.
As you can read though I am saying "WAS". This is because I am not as bad as I used to be. I can get on a bus now without fearing the worst and even travel on the tube as long as someone is with me. I never thought I would do that. I never thought I would be able to do those things without fearing or having a panic attack.
Gosh this is starting to get easier. I didn't think it would even make sense but reading over what I have just written I am quite surprised with myself.